Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
