I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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