Where did you get a picture of my penis
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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