I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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