Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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