Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
