I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
