i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
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