You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
