i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
