piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Umm I'm too high to move.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
