When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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