That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
