Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Please don't give away my fajitas
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
