hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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