he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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