after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Is her dick bigger than yours?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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