I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
