Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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