Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
