my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize
