i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
