I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Randomize
