I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
