I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
