Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize