My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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