Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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