Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm bleeding and have questions
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize