Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
