Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
