my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
