i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize