Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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