After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
