She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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