I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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