mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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