just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
