The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
