His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
