I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
