dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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