Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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