Do you still have your period?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
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