Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Less talking, more tequila
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
false alarm, still single
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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