Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
my shit smells like andre
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Randomize
