The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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