Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
