I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Bring me that man meat
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
