I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
