You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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