Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
