He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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