When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Randomize
