just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
vagina is talking i cant
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
