There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize