So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
