I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
