My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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