I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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