i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
