He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
