Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize