I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
